the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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