Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
