And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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