i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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