The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
