Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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