Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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