I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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