They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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