If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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