My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
