i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
