Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
