you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How does it feel to date your dad?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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