i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
