I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
