My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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