Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
