May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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