last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
