I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
