I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
