forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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