i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
