So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize