How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
