im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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