i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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