Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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