Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
