Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
