Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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