saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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