if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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