Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
