The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
