mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
