Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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