I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
