After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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