two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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