omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
