she looked like the bat from fern gully.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
