if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
