It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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