I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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