I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
do herpes really smell.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
