You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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