there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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