Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
