I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
