dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
