3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
