hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
