i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
